Clearing my throat…. A tear falls on my keyboard as my dog sleeps soundly at my parent’s house in north Georgia. Some people see me smile joyfully at one or more of my many jobs, dancing, singing, telling jokes or maybe rather “inappropriate” tales of my daily activities, but most of those people that find me amusing or blissful do not see what happens on the nights when my dog is not here to greet me at the door. Those big ears that perk up as I get off the elevator. Those small “chicken wing” legs that scatter to the front door. My mother has been dealing with heart problems for some years now, and the time has come for her to have open-heart surgery. I have tried my hardest to be the strong middle child, but perhaps I may be the most susceptible to distress. I often find myself scrolling through names of friends or family in my head to desperately find someone to talk to about my inner frown; a couple names seldom ignite the Carissa-bulb, but somehow my fingers cannot find the motivation to pick up the phone. I enjoy being witty, making people happy and full of laughter, but I cannot do it right now. I want to be strong. I have two younger siblings that look to me for inspiration, and heck I feel as if my older brother and sister do as well. Maybe even you Dad, but I cannot do it anymore. I cannot keep pretending to brush my shoulders off with the worries of my Mom, but damnit I hate feeling vulnerable... Listen, everyone has a story.
P.S- Thank you Julie for being my best friend, Cha Cha for always being happy to see me even if im gone for two minutes, my far away friend who sometimes does not respond yet I know he reads and feels my rants, and Ellen DeGeneres for making me laugh for one hour Monday through Friday harder than a year-old baby playing peek-a-boo. I love you Mom.
